eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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