I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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