i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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