I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
