We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
