My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
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