I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
