She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
