yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
