just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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