Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
