It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
