When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
