id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
