is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
