So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
They took my balls.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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