I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
