Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize