we'll go far in life on tits alone.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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