please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
