Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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