ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
