I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
