Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
