your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
