i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
