and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
