He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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