It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
