also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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