sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
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