Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
