do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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