God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
