the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
