my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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