shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
