My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
we're chasing vodka with high fives
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
