Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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