Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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