Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
