a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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