did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
