literally had 100 drinks last night.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
