Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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