I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Randomize
