apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
