and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
