Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Actions speak louder than pants.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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