i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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