Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
