If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
