If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
