why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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