please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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