a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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