A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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