The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
